A friend in need...................... is minus a fish.

One of the many advantages of being a spinster is that I am more often than not available to my friends to help them out in their hour of need. At a drop of a hat I can jump in my car and be at my friend's door to deal with whatever crisis prevails, offering support whether emotionally or financially. I do not have to worry about a hubby or any children being fed and taken care of, as I only have myself to deal with, giving me time and emotional energy to sacrifice to those very important to me, a deed which is gladly undertaken, time and time again.

So it was without hesitation that I agreed to "house sit" for a very good friend of mine whilst her and her family went on vacation to sunny Spain for 2 weeks. This meant moving in to their 6 bedroom house enjoying some much needed solitude and relaxation. This is not without its demands however and after an hours crash course in the operation of household appliances, door locks and a briefing of local knowledge, I waved farewell to the "Winner" family, closed the door behind them and allowed peace to descend.

But not for long....... part of the package included a menagerie of family pets. 1 dog, 5 cats  and 6 fish....oops make that 5 fish as of this morning! I already knew about the existance of the dog and 5 cats and was purrrrfectly happy to play the part of dog lover and cat loving spinster,  however it was not until the eve of the "Winners" departure  that I learnt about the family of fish that lived on the top floor of the three storey house belonging to the youngest male member of the family. The "Winners" (in every sense of the word)  were on their way to Viva Espagna and I was on my way to Viva Dr. Dolittle!

  
I have only ever in my life taken care of 1 fish. Won from a funfair, a goldfish swimming around and around in its archetype goldfish bowl, enjoying a typical  2 week life span often associated with merry go round prizes, is a very pleasant but non eventful non tasking experience in a young childs life! So for me to have the responsibility of 6 fish inhabiting an aquarium ....what could possibly go wrong??

I know as much about fish as I do about quantum physics, ie: I like the idea of it but it seems too much like hard work for very little gain. Besides, it makes my head hurt!

The instructions were, however,  simple enough....feed twice a day (small pinch of flakey fish food) and turn aquarium light on and off accordingly.

The first week passed without event and my confidence grew as the Noah of the "Winner" residence.

Into the second week my lack of marine knowledge was highlighted as I ignored the telltale signs of aquarium in distress. As the days passed the tanks water turned a deeper and darker green until I could no longer  see the fish unless they swam  as near as possible up against the glass trying to amplify their silent plea  of "I'm a fish...... get me the f**k out of here"!!

I had no idea, I didn't realise, I was not suspicious of the ever increasingly invisible fish in the whirl of neon glowing, nuclear waste disposal coloured water.


Until this morning.......

 I eat fish for supper. I handle their grey scaled skin. I smother in butter and herbs without issue.  But when faced with a 3 inch long, silver, dead fish, early morning, eye balling me from the water's surface, I felt physically repulsed. I struggled to "fish" it  out of the tank...'scuse the pun! I used a dessert spoon and a leftover take away carton in which to remove him/her??? and for some strange reason held my breath the entire time!! WTF!! The demised fish is now in the "Winner" kitchen garbage bin!!

The lightbulb in my head has illuminated and the tank is now clean and shiny complete with crystal clear water. That said I am now officially on "Fish watch" for the remaining 5 days!!

36 month glitch.........!

According to recent studies in the UK the 7 year itch has now become the 3 year glitch. This is the time that stress levels in relationships peak and the first flushes of romance have well and truly disappeared down the toilet! Those minor irritations that are harmless, almost funny and cute at the start of love develop into major annoyances which fuel arguments, cause the slamming of doors and force the back to back sleeping position. Yes we've all been there at some point in a relationship when your gorgeous adorable "sweet cheeks" becomes a vile monstrous specimin all because the toilet seat is left up, the top left off of the toothpaste or dirty socks abandoned on the bedroom floor. Little nuances which were once overlooked and readily dismissed when the rose tinted glasses were on and love really was blind.

The top 10 everyday niggles and passion killers in relationships are defined as follows;

1. Weight gain/lack of exercise.
2. Money & Spend thriftiness 
3. Anti Social working hours
4. Hygiene issues, personal cleanliness
5. In Laws & extended family seeing too much/too little of.
6. Lack of romance (sex, treats etc)
7. Alcohol - drinking too much
8. Snoring and anti social behaviour
9. Lapsed fashion sense - losing touch with fashion & wearing the same old underwear/clothes
10. Bathroom habits failing to lock doors, stray toenail cuttings, cleaning up etc  

 As I look down this list I see clearly that there is a correlation between these points. Each irritation is the cause and effect:



Weight gain is inevitable. Going out to dinner, sharing take aways, curled up together watching a movie eating ice cream, pop corn , chocolate etc will all contribute to that expanding waistline. Once realisation hits that you literally eating the contents of your bank account then common sense prevails and cut backs are introduced hence the need to watch the pennies and decrease the spending. Cue the arguments over how much was spent in the hair salon and the night out with the lads. In addition to keeping the wolf from the door, extra money needs to be earnt and what does that mean? Yep you guessed it....anti social working hours of course! And if your working all the hours in the day, who has the time and energy to devote hours and hours in the bathroom?? Enter # 4!


So how do numbers 1 - 4 lead to # 5? Well if my gorgeous sexy partner had turned into a lardy lazy arsed, stinky pits haggered looking scrooge, I would be too embarrassed for anyone to see him or would use spending time out with my friends and family as an excuse just to get then hell away from him! # 6 - lack of romance/sex.....well do I really need to explain?? 1 - 5 have already put paid to any bedroom antics or loving gestures.


At this point you are now in a relationship with no sex, no money and no time together so there's only one thing for it....alcohol!! You've been driven to it. Drowning your sorrows or getting blind drunk to block out the reality! Bring on # 8! Excessive drinking leads to anti social behaviour and a drunken slumber leads to loud body shaking snoring.
# 9 & 10 I'm sure you can figure out yourself but I think I've made my point. 

The slow demise of a relationship stems from the beginning.  This knock on effect sequence snowballs and gets out of control.....however only if you let it. If I've learnt anything from past relationships it is  focus more on what he/she does well and don't sweat the small stuff!

My Second Award!

A second award was bestowed on me some days ago....I am a little remiss to ackowledge it but would like to thank Kelly from Psychocarnival:  http://psychocarnival.blogspot.com/2011/05/award-from-minute-mans-wife-and.html for this honour.Greatly appreciated!! Now you never know what you are going to get from this guy, I guess that's why the word "Psycho" feature in his blog title. Most of his posts are not for the faint hearted or anyone who offends easily, yet other posts are full of sensitivity  giving him an edgy appeal. If you want a good laugh then visit his blog NOW!
Having received this award I am to also mention another 5 bloggers who I feel are noteworthy of this accolade which is about supporting other fellow bloggers.  So here goes.............

• Count Sneaky http://countsneakysjournal.blogspot.com/ :
  MORAL AND REFINED, UNIQUE, AND ECCENTRIC ENTERTAINMENT FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF ALL AGES...  A man full of great advise, thank you.
• http://klahanie.blogspot.com/ -
  A Man Challenging His 'Inner Critic'. Klahanie is a great support to old and new bloggers alike. I received my first award from him and consequently more interest and interaction with my blog. Gary, thank you!
• Little Pink Rain Boots - http://littlepinkrainboots.blogspot.com/ - A very endearing blogger who has written her own book and  I hope to follow in her footsteps. Download or buy her new novel "The Collector" by Julie Elliot - http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vROrpgbYWDE/TeGbVIn57JI/AAAAAAAAAdA/k2tuIsm1h_A/s1600/Paperback.JPG
• Soundoff by Heather P - http://1soundingoff.blogspot.com/  A lady going through her trial and tribulations yet remaining positive throughout! An Inspiration!
• The Wolf writing at http://thesnafureport.blogspot.com/ - unbelievably blunt, none PC, says it how it is, no skirting around the bush, no looking through rose tinted glasses. Again not for the easily offended but certainly for the open minded, dare to go against the grain, reader.

A BIG THANKYOU TO YOU ALL!xx

If you've got an itch....scratch it!???

Whilst having a quiet drink out the other evening I involuntarily overheard a giggling female proclaim rather loudly to her girlfriend that she had purchased  an Ann Summers "Whisper" vibrator! I thought to myself that she should perhaps whisper about it, rather than loudly advertise her intimate DIY sessions across the crowded bar! That aside like most single women of any age, her sexual needs are there to be fulfilled and a vibrator is one sure way of getting there.

The altenative? Acquire a fwb (friend with benefits) or have casual (safe)sex with whoever, whenever it takes her fancy. Dating sites are numerous, catering  for all needs, whether you just need to scratch that itch -  "Shagbook" is the adult version of  Facebook, claiming to be a safe secure no strings attached adult dating site. I fail to see the relavance of using the word "dating" in the profile of the Facebook of sex! This is clearly a way to just hook up for one on one, no dating required. What next, the sexual gratification alternative of "My Space" ....... "My Place...or yours"?? Whilst other sites such as eharmony and match.com, suggest that the possibility of meeting your "soulmate" is within reach should you join their community for a monthly fee. These are all harmless enough as long as expectations are kept to a minimum and an open mind is ever present.

More worryingly, however, are recently emerging sites aimed at "married" people! Yes, you read correctly. They claim to be an alternative source of passion for those Mr & Mrs's in unfulfilling relatonships. Husbands and wives whose marriages are at some stage more churlish than cherish can surf the net for an affair. What is even more unnerving is clearly there is a market for this "service" as more and more of these sites are springing up. "Illicit Encounters" - a discreet and confidential extra marial affair service; "AffairsClub" - for the married and lonely, to name just a few, yet all have one common clear message -  Find Passion, Have an Affair!

What has our society become when we allow the sanctity of marriage to be so openly vilified by viewing affairs in a positive light? Tempting and encouraging people to partake. Surely by making having an affair so easily accessable indicates that it is perfectly acceptable, I mean everyone else is doing it so why not??

10 years ago surfing the net for love was frowned upon and deemed as a little desparate but look at it now. It is as socially acceptable as sending a birthday card online. I fear the same will happen with online affairs to the point where the illicitness and danger of it will become the norm. Not to mention the implicatons should one adulterer fall in "love" with their "partner in crime". Surely, these sites are just setting up already unhappy people for even more sorrow??

And I wonder too if the people who operate or work in them are married??

Blinded by the "Voice"?

I recently came across a live recording of the Gipsy Kings singing "My Way" in Spanish. ...A Mi Manera.   I was enthralled not only by the incadescent sensual tones of the Spanish word, but found  myself mesmerised by the barely 5'5 tall singer who looked like he had a penchant for many tapas and had never seen a comb  to tame his black corse pubic style hair. Sounds attractive? Not in the least! However, I was mesmerised.
I found myself lost in his eyes but equally lost in his haunting beautiful voice. Surely he was singing to me?? I am normally  attractive to generically good looking men yet I found myself lusting over Spains answer to Danny De Vito!

What is it about a man who can sing and sing well that turns level headed, good honest women into fanatical screaming banshees? Take Tom Jones for example. Yes he was attractrive in his day but put him serving burgers in Mcdonalds and would you have whipped  your knickers off, flung them skyward,  for them to fall in the deep fat fryer? I think not. Tom Jones, staturesque and testerone pumped, belting out "My Delilha" whilst thrusting his pelvis would send even Mother Teresa into a spin. Demis Roussos and Barry White...not my idea of eye candy but  their dulcet tones had women throwing themselves at them. Even later in life, Elvis' bloated body and drugged dazed state could still pull the babes with his stunning voice and hip action.

Lyle Lovett is a clear example as to how a non conventional looking man can attract a "pretty woman". But if you don't look and just listen, his country boy voice is really sexy. Maybe Julia Robets liked blindfolds??

Rockers, heavy metallers, head banging long haired unshaven leather clad whisky swilling dirty smelly men. Give them a guitar, a husky voice and half open eye lid look and women just melt at their feet.

Equally a man in a uniform turns what is normally average Joe into Prince Charming. And here's one that the very clever and astute people in Marketing deploy...... a man holding a new born baby...heart warming and.priceless!  Only those unromantic cynics amongst us would not be fooled by the perfect image of devotion.

So any guys out there who are having a hard time in attracting the girl of your dreams....get yourself some singing lessons and serenade her. I promise it's not cheesy....honest!! Failing that, borrow a Military uniform or steal a baby!

I have inspired.............!

Imagine my surprise yet delight at receiving my first blog award.........

Flying Solo................

The lighter evenings and warmer temperatures indicate the onset of  Summertime. As we waved farewell to Christmas and New Year cheer for another year, holiday companies were already lining up ready to bombard us with their advertising campaigns, whisking us away to exoctic destinations which promise us sun, sea and laughter.

Marvelous!! I absolutely love nothing better than planning a week or two away from the humdrum of everyday life and unpredictable, often lousy, British weather and I will happily pay for the privalage. However, what I do object to is being forced to pay extra to sleep in a hotel room on my own! Why? Single bloody supplement that's why!! Let's discriminate against those of us who have to holiday on our own because we are without partner,spouse, boyfriend, child, by imposing this penalty! Why not call it Sad Single Supplement for even greater impact!!

Even if I were to travel with a friend and her partner,(highly unlikely as I don't play the "spare part" very well) I'm hardly going to share a room with the "happy couple"! So I have to have a room on my own and pay the premium for using less water than two people, less electricity, wear and tear on the towels, furniture and bed (well unless I get lucky of course)!!Ha Ha!

I know why they charge it.......to compensate for the losses incurred because only one person is using the room.Okay so I may have more surplus cash to spend than Mum and Dad who with several children in tow, need every last penny to keep the little darlings entertained.  But if there are family rooms available with 3 even 4 beds where costs are saved by Mum and Dad and the hotelier gets more for the room, why can't that be weighed against a single occupancy room?
We pay less council tax for occupying a house on our own. So why not in a hotel room?


Without a single supplement, the extra £15 - £20 per night saving could be spent in the hotel bar, or on the a la carte menu instead of the set menu. There would even be money spare to enjoy the hotel spa. So in essence, the money would still be injected back into the hotel only this way we would get somethng enjoyable for what we paid for. Everyone is happy all round. Result!

So what next?  A single supplement for dining out alone in a restaurant because the seat opposite is empty and therefore redundant without a paying customer sat on it?

If lady drivers are now having to pay the same insurance car premiums as men because otherwise  it is deemed as sex discrininiaton to pay lower., then perhaps those of us flying on holiday solo should pay the same for our room as couples, or otherwise could this also be seen as discrimination?